Why the Repubicans hate the French

Recently Conservative Republicans have been going on the morning talk shows proudly announcing that we were all about to become French.

At least, I thought they were proudly announcing it, because *I* was personally very excited. My husband had to break the news to me, that they were warning us. And indeed, as I watched futher, I did notice they were all in a pother.

So what exactly would be so bad about suddenly becoming French? Other than the whole complexity of verbs, plus having to remember which gender a lamp post happens to be.
You get great food and great wine. I admit those could be a down side for the Baptists who don’t drink. But there is still the food, so it can’t be that. What about scandal free mistresses? You’d think Republicans would love that. They keep getting caught with persons not their wives. National Health and high quality free day care? Surely no body could object to caring for the sick -- especially not a nation that considers itself so Christian, ‘cause Christ was really big on caring for the sick and children. Besides, you’d have to be really pretty callous to say “sure you have diabetes, or cancer and there are meds for that, but you’re poor, so you can just die.” And I have a hard time believing Republicans are evil. So not that. Nuclear Power? Nope, pretty sure the RNC has been pushing for that. High-speed Rail? Who gets worked up in an angry way about trains? Sure the average 3 year old is train mad, but nobody is mad because of trains.

What’s left really? The image of the French man as a considerate lover. I think it really has to be that don’t you? Think about it. The Republicans are always getting so worked up about sex. Gay sex, Fun sex, Kinky sex, extramarital sex, bathroom sex. Sex is pretty much front and center of their world view. So small wonder if the reason turns out to be because they are so bad or insecure about it. Let me give you examples A, B, and M. To whit, Ann Coulter, Bay Buchanan, and Mary Matalin. I think it’s fair to say these women are the leading conservative female public figures: Women who espouse traditional marriage. They are deeply committed to their ideologies. So how have they done in the “get a nice conservative boy” sweepstakes? Ann is 45 and never been married, and since she doesn’t believe in premarital sex, probably never been laid. Bay, has been married, but….. divorced. So apparently conservative guys, not worth marring, and if you do, not worth staying with. But what about Mary you ask? She’s married, has been married to the same guy for the last 16 years, nice family, clearly happy and satisfied. The only catch is, she had to marry a Democrat. Yup. Apparently the only kind of guy who could keep an intelligent, hard charging Republican woman happy -- is not a Republican.

So no wonder the conservatives are terrified American will turn into France, they are already underperforming in the considerate lover sweepstakes, and this will only make things harder for them. Though probably not the right things.